Things that have happened lately – A List

• Albert moved to Johannesburg (which – yay! –means I’ll probably never see him again)
• My father had a heart attack (which sucked, obviously)
• I did not vote in the national elections.
• My feet turned into this
  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

• I broke down in tears because there was no milk for my coffee (and now I’m sorry for everyone whose PMS I ever laughed at, because this? Is so much worse.
• I got made up to look like an Indian (possibly an Indian. Not really sure what it’s meant to be. I think I looked pretty, though.)

 

• I talked Marcel into letting my cousin make-up him. She didn’t turn him into a pirate, which I think is unfair.

 

• My dad got into a fight with a blesbok (which is a kind of antelope with really sharp horns and a nasty temper). It nearly disembowelled him, and he tore his shoulder to hell. This was after the heart attack, mind you. It was Monday, in fact.
• I found out I’m having a boy, contrary to expectations.
• I started writing again
• I installed Windows 7, which not only takes the Cake of Awesome, but eats some of it and smooshes the rest into your face so you look like a clownhead.
• I installed Windows Live Writer. Can you see I’m having fun with it?

10 Things no-one tells you about Pregnancy (and if they do, you don’t listen)

 

1. Your ass will expand to gargantuan proportions
2. You will walk like Godzilla – and nobody ever bothers to mention that this walk is not due to just being TOO FAT TO MOVE PROPERLY, but because of actual PAIN!
3. You will cry for no apparent reason.
4. You will want to scream at people (and if you think you can get away with it, you will.)
5. Your brain will shrink to the size of an acorn.
6. So will your bladder.
7. Everything else, up to and including your feet, will grow. And grow, and grow, and grow…
8. You will cry the first time you feel the baby kick.
9. You will hate the father of your baby every time you struggle out of bed in the middle of the night for yet another pee break (in my case, I hate him already, so I should probably say hate him more.)
10. It is the single most worthwhile biological function you will EVER PERFORM. (and men can’t do it, neener neener neener)

 

Technically, people do sort of imply nr.10, but they rarely actually come out and say it. And I think that it’s important that people take note of the fact that pregnancy is the most important thing a human being can ever do. And men can’t. Hahahahahahahahaha!