His Serene Majesty, King Julius Malema
Julius Malema, formerly known as the head of the EFF political party, has declared himself King of South Africa.
His Serene Majesty Julius I said in a statement that plans for his coronation on 29 February 2017 are proceeding well.
“Of course it will be a very big affair,” King Julius said. “I plan to ride down Church Street on an elephant. There will be a parade and a spectacle so that all my subjects may admire me.” King Julius also plans to distribute free R100 coins stamped with his likeness during the event.
He expressed his hope that South Africans across the country will embrace the new monarchy and help him in his effort to throw off the shackles of democracy.
“I believe that this is the best possible move for the country as a whole. We need a united, strong leadership which is not chained to political agendas and can move strongly to take South Africa into a shining new future!”
In the same statement, he announced his intention to appoint incumbent president Jacob Zuma as his Minister of Treasury.
“Jacob and I discussed the matter,” King Julius said. “We both believe that it is time for him to step away from the pressures of the presidency and into a more relaxing job. Since the country has no money, no position could possibly be more relaxing than Treasury!”
Political commentators were divided in their opinions on the coming regime change. Those in favour pointed out that monarchy has always been quite a stable form of government, while others pointed out that monarchs themselves have never been known for their stability.
“Haven’t you people read your Shakespeare?” one well-known personality demanded during a brief interview as he was waiting for his flight to board. “Stick a crown on a man and he goes cuckoo-bananapants in a week and then it’s all over bar the shouting and the murder.”
In a later statement, King Julius also announced his intention to free South Africa’s neighbor countries and nations across the world from “the paralyzing shackles and false promises of so-called ‘democracy’” and bring them to a healthier mode of government.
He said that he fully expects to have South African boots on the ground in the United States before the end of 2017, and to have the region pacified by 2018 at the latest.
“Having come to realise that royalty is my destiny, it is my right, no, my duty, to bring the world together under a stable government for the betterment of all,” he said.
We eagerly await further developments.